Life has a funny way of hammering home things

As an Aspie I get so much anxiety and stress over things.  It’s like my brain will fixate on things until I either drive myself or those around me mad 🙂  It is what it is I surely didn’t choose it – it kind of chose me.  I work hard to try and not let things get to me to much but honestly it isn’t quite that simple there is no off switch or an alternative.

So much goes on in this Aspie head of mine, having my official list of diagnosis’ really was nice to get but on the flip side it really made it all the more real.  The co-morbid issues like ADHD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, the health issues like poor immune system, the high acid levels, the constant issue of not being able to let go of things that are bothering me, the lack of filter at times seems to shock some and offend others.  It’s quite the trip some days.

But when I started having issues with my head I dismissed it.  But it got worse, stroke like symptoms, dizzy, black outs, horrible headaches, a lot of pressure in my head and a tiredness that is getting worse despite my better eating habits along with vitamins and iron.  So I finally gave in and went to the Dr.

I didn’t pass the neurological exam at all – epic fail.  So he scraps the CT for an MRI.  He writes down – check of a tumor, check intracrainial pressure, check for any abnormalities” whoa – what – wait – TUMOR?  You have got to be kidding me – where did that come from.  Once you read that the rest of what he is saying just kind of gets muffled in the background – the word sits there on the screen like a big ole red beacon and that is what my Aspie brain focuses on – and wont let go of.  I am as of right now in limbo.  Pending labs and an EEG – we get the MRI done after that and then we put all the info we get together and go from there.

In this family we don’t do normal, we do chaos.

I did talk to my friend Kyle – one of the few people in my life that get this.  Last year he got so sick he almost died.  I didn’t even know it,  Thankfully he pulled through but it still makes you sit and think long and hard about your life.

I have known Kyle for close to 10yrs almost…and him and I – we have seen our share of some serious ups and downs as friends.  Gone periods of time without talking the whole works.  But when we do talk again its like time has stood still…we pick up where we left off and get caught up on things.  Friends like that are like those priceless heirlooms – you treasure them.  They are the ones that can tell you to get your head out of your ass and you don’t get offended you reply with some off the cuff comment and you both have a laugh.

Indeed tonight I have spent the better part of it listening to music.  Art Of Dying – Volbeat – Rains – Nickelback and Maroon 5.  Music is the one thing that no matter what you can find a song or many songs for the mood you are in and with each song that changes that is the cool thing about music!

My kiddos – well the girls are in bed and Cam is on Steam (on his computer) talking to some friends and playing some games with them.  All in all it’s a quiet night so far (so far man it’s 11pm ha).  My mind wont shut off so I guess for now it’s me, Guys Grocery Game and some tunes.

Get Thru This (Art Of Dying)

I’ve seen better days yeah
So says the mirror
It’s hard to find divinity when you’re the king of men
If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I can get through anything

If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I promise you, I promise you

It could be much worse
But the call is close
Tomorrow’s my reason for today to let go

“Best I Can”

Tonight I feel like the world won’t miss me
So much to say but there’s no one listening
If we’re alone are we all together in that

I threw a penny in a well for wishing
and prayed for all the things I think I’m missing
A little time is all I really need

I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can
The best I can

A second chance to give you something
It takes a lifetime to come from nothing
I refuse to believe in running away

I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you
I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know I think you’re worth it
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can
The best I can

I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart
It’s a little faded but so am I

Cause I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you
I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know I think you’re worth it
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can

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