As any Aspie knows – letting go of things is about as easy for us as it is trying to get that one mosquito that is buzzing around you in the dark when you are trying to get to sleep…you’d have a better chance of winning the lottery at times. Now this is not to say we enjoy carrying all that emotional baggage around with us, hell I know I don’t.
It’s like this urge that compels us to hang onto emotional baggage, even physical things and people that are not good for where we are heading in life. We cannot seem to help it.
Our whole lives we strive to do better, be better. We make small steps as we grow and then suddenly there comes a situation where we need to make a tough call. We are stressing over it non stop, we mull over and over in our heads all the scenarios that could come about, We muddle through all the pro’s and con’s of all our options, we gather as much data on the situation as we can and we enlist our friends to help us be the judge and jury so we can make a decision. Then we go and write down more things and blog about it maybe FB about it…then finally we reach our wits end with trying to make the “right” decision that we often throw our hands up in the air and say fark it for now.
Indeed these decisions are never easy nor do they come to one just like that. We can spend hours, weeks, days, months or even years circling back to one thing or another like this – trying to figure out if we made the right decision. We drive the people around us crazy, we drive ourselves crazy and it can often consume us and our conversations.
It’s hard for those that are not on the spectrum to understand our fixations, to them it’s silly just “let it go and move on” or “stop being ridiculous.” Man I assure you if it was that easy i’d be been down for that. You have no idea how often I wish I could do that like other people – just switch things off and be done with it all.
When it comes to matters of the heart like good friends – those ones really suck. We have a hard time making connections that are meaningful to most people so when we do make that connection and it blossoms into an amazing friendship for years on end – we count ourselves extremely lucky. Someone that accepts us for our quarks and is willing to live in our world and accept that we sometimes need things others don’t and we are not super good with the whole friendship thing. I mean finding that is fantastic…but when the unthinkable happens and suddenly that once wicked friendship is no longer working and functioning it’s time to do that unimaginable thing and figure out what we should do.
For most people they would say cut your losses and move on – but as an Aspie we are much more complex than that. We cannot just “move on” it takes so long to work through all the emotions, we can often seem to switch moods at the drop of a hat as we work through the grief of what is lost, the sadness over remembering all the awesome things that were said or done, tears of sadness because sometimes us Aspies we feel WAAAAYYY more than the average person…it’s like colliding with a brick wall at 100mph figuratively speaking as it doesn’t exactly kill us. It’s so intense and so overwhelming it is so hard to work through it all. One minute we can be happy at remembering the good times about a friendship gone and the next we can be crying because it hurts so much to let things go.and the next minute raging because we are so hurt by the situation even it was our choice to end a friendship or relationship that we just cannot process it all so we just flip out so to speak. It’s a huge emotional roller coaster ride and it’s not the fun kind.
For me I am like this – it’s worse when I am stressed out or anxious about something in my life. Instead of dealing with that I tend to just lash out at the people close to me to try and avoid dealing with the real issue. If someone happens to say the wrong things or assume something that isn’t about a situation – oh man they better watch out…when I am already on edge and feeling scared/stressed/anxious I don’t need someone to push that further be it intentional or not.
Case in point Kyle – wicked friend I have said this over and over for a long long time…we had our moments that more feelings crept into the friendship but I had no intention of it being more than a friendship. I guess that message was not really conveyed well and the other night he says hey I wanted to be honest and up front with you I have a GF now – I was like uhh ok and soooo – well that is what I was thinking what I said was “it’s all good when I said I liked you as more than just a friend I meant like an uber friend that I can count on and that I could trust with my life” and something to the tune of “I didn’t mean romantically” and kind of went off on him a bit…but seriously that shit bugs me…just because someone cares for you more than a friend doesn’t mean they want a whole relationship and marriage and kids – it means they care deeply for you and they love that you are apart of their life and couldn’t imagine it without you. There is a friend, a best friend and a friend that is like a sister/brother and then there is that friendship that is so dynamic and awesome that there just isn’t a category it falls in as it spans all of them and more.
I got upset – not at the GF part hell I wish him nothing but the best and happiness he deserves it…but the assumption that I thought there was going to be an us…ugh please no offense but that man could NOT handle my life – and the chaos of two kids on the spectrum as well as myself and the ADHD, the therapy, the appointments, the sheer chaos. He is used to the single life for the most part and he doesn’t get to see his Daughter as much as he did 5yrs ago before she started school. We would have that man running for the exit in no time – we are a busy bunch and that he doesn’t get. He gets to spend his time working mad hours and I get to spend mine working on speech with my girls, finding supports, figuring out what to do at the end of next year for Kiana – mainstream, private or home school, I get to keep on top of Kalea’s blood sugars, count carbs, clean my house, book appointments, assessments, and everything else that needs doing.
I didn’t want to end the friendship but it’s better to do it than end up on the back burner and only hear from him once every month or few weeks if I am lucky or when he is having a tough day and doesn’t want to bother his GF with it so he will call or text me. Last time he had a GF he talked me and told me and then I didn’t hear from him for months and months then things didn’t pan out and I heard from him more, then he dropped off planet earth for a good year at another point, then another time he was mia for a year I sent him a Merry Christmas message and he got sick and almost died (I didn’t know) and then in September he waltz’s back into my life again and I took the bait. I should have done what my first instinct was – not reply. Not to be rude but it really hurt me when he did that…I was always there and where is he now when I need a friend – well he is working a lot and he has a GF now soo I don’t matter much.
I am more or less mad at him for a few things. If I had not moved and he didn’t recognize the number we never would have started talking again 3yrs ago. Seriously sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself…
It was hard last night – sending that text…telling him that this whole thing wasn’t worth it…I don’t want to be someone’s rainy day friend I just want to know I matter and that they have time for me to and not every few weeks or months or years or when things are not going well. I also was told he was sending the kids some money as a Christmas Gift – that was before Christmas – it’s now almost late January and nothing. So in the end I am just throwing my hands up in the air and saying whatever…if it is causing you more pain than it is anything else it’s not worth the hurt.
It isn’t easy to walk away from an 8+ year friendship…but sometimes you have to be willing to take that leap of faith and hope that it was the right decision. As an Aspie I second guess if not triple guess EVERY single thing I say or do over and over…it’s frustrating and causes me much anxiety and stress. Just because I am adult with Aspergers doesn’t mean that I don’t have my share of struggles you don’t outgrow this it just isn’t like that.