Friendship – what it means to us versus others

When we make a friend – we expect them to be a friend for life.  We don’t really like mind games when it comes to the people we have in our lives.  We get enough of the nonsense from others we don’t especially welcome it into our lives when it comes to meaningful connections.

We want loyalty because we are loyal people, we want someone that accepts us for who we are and how we are – as we would do the same, we want someone that genuinely is interested in learning about Aspergers/Autism so they can better understand what it is that makes us so unique and at the same time complex, we want genuine straight up no nonsense people in our lives.  We don’t expect anything less of our potential friends than anyone else just because we are on the spectrum, if not we kind of have a higher expectation of them because we don’t want to have friends come and go out of our lives constantly we tend to have major anxiety about the very potential of that happening and that’s more than enough.  We tend to also get attached to people/things deeply – sometimes maybe so much so that it completely envelopes us and our lives so they very thought of something going wrong or losing that someone/something really gets us on edge.

Behaviors surface that maybe have been so long gone that it surprises even us and we are the ones doing it.  We may get more moody, edgy, withdrawn, angry and frustrated.  We have a hard time working through the loss of something that we hold so close to us that they become apart of our safe, happy and comfortable world.  If that world gets upturned somehow it’s really hard to get that safe and comfortable feeling back.  We feel scattered and worried that there isn’t a safe place for us to exist in anymore.  Much like a house after a tornado – piece by piece we slowly have to figure out how our lives go back together now that something/someone is missing from them.

It can be really difficult – more so if that person has been apart of our lives for a long period of time.  We opened up to them, told them things that we felt were safe with them and then suddenly they are gone.  Betrayed (even if it wasn’t like that we still feel it), sadness and a deep sense of loss.  How can life be the same without them.

Where as others that are not on the spectrum go through friends like others change their socks.  To them it doesn’t have the same meaning.

I happen to take my friendships seriously – but by doing that I also set myself up for a lot of hurt at times.  I get to emotionally attached and sometimes in the case of it being me friends with a guy – it can be misconstrued into it meaning more.  We are just normally very upfront people so I have had to learn to hold back and test the waters.

I wont lie – I miss the fact I had once upon a time – a great friend in Kyle.  I wish I could get that back but the thing is – he has stopped talking to me twice of his own undoing, and once because he was pissed off at me because he was busy and I got mad about something and then he lost it and we didn’t speak for a year.  But this time I had to push – I kind of knew what would happen – it was like I didn’t want it to but I knew it had to be done.
It’s not the best thing on earth – it escalated quickly but he spends more time thinking about how all this impacted him and he didn’t once ask me what is going on or why I was feeling this way.  A good friend would say something – would say hey what is up what can I do to help you feel better about things – or hey what do I need to do or can I do.  Nope he flipped out at me and so I said that’s it – he’s not really a friend anymore.

Sometimes when we are struggling we just need someone to tell us to stop and breathe and help us get back on track.  He didn’t want to learn about my Aspergers – I will never be able to contact him again I want him to understand in situations where there has been a lot of stress and anxiety I am more prone to lashing out at those closest to me and push them over the edge – but it’s not because I want to it’s because I feel like things are so out of control that I just struggle to get a grip and find my way back on track.

So much I wish I could tell him – but I wont ever get to.  For now I feel the loss…I am working through it but it’s not an easy task right now.  So much happened over the 8yrs – just wish he could have taken a bit of time and looked into things or asked me what that means and how that affects my life.  But that’s the thing I guess a real friend would do that – as soon as I told him that I had never intended there to be more between us things changed… *sigh* friendships and relationships are so complicated…one day I hope he comes around and says something and we can start a new chapter…

One day Kyle Mathers you will get this about me – one day I hope you can accept this about me…until then I will miss our jokes and convo’s…

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