Relationships and Autism/Aspergers – A whole spectrum of possibilites

One thing I have had to tackle in my time is the awkwardness of a relationship.  Being that a lot of us that have Aspergers tend to be way more trusting and naive.  We are so black and white that we often forget that so many people are not and often don’t have the best intentions.  We are often like bulls in a china shop so to speak we are all in so fast because we realize someone is paying attention to us and not mocking us etc like we are used to.

That leads to the other half of the equation when we realize our feelings are growing and we are feeling all these strange feelings we suddenly pull back.  We take longer to sort through the things that are going on with us, and often we will go through periods of where we are going along just fine with things and then something else comes up – another feeling we are unsure of or the dynamic changes again and we tend to pull back.

It can feel like cat and mouse but for us it is how we process things.  With every new feeling or situation we need to step back and process it and get comfortable with things.  Sometimes it can seem like we are not interested but really it’s just us trying to get comfortable with the situation in our own way.  Feelings are big and scary and for us we already struggle with that kind of thing so we definitely need someone that can be patient with us and understand we are complex.

We can often appear to be immature and difficult to connect with – but we kind of have the same problem when it comes to the other person.  It takes someone pretty awesome to be able to handle all our back and forth and indecisiveness – we can be rather hard to rein in at times.

I was in grade 12 when I met my son’s father – things were pretty good – so many feelings to work through and process all the time.  We dated off and on for a few years and it got really messy and complicated when I got pregnant when I was 21.  I had a lot to process when it comes to that let me tell you.

I still struggle with interpersonal relationships, due to the sheer amount of times I have been burned and hurt bad I kind of get a bit standoffish when it comes to people and any kind of friendship etc.  People may see this as being difficult but as anyone that has been hurt so much they would tend to tell you that they would rather be like that than keep being a target.  But if you can earn our trust you will find we are loyal to a fault and although we can be complex we definitely make things interesting.

The important thing to remember is that we process things at a slower rate when it comes to socially what is expected of us and even more so when it comes to romance.  It’s a complicated thing and feelings can cloud judgement – and for an Aspie that is already something we struggle with.  If you got the patience we will be forever thankful that someone was willing to work with us on things and be there for the long haul.

If things go south – well let me tell you it gets all kinds of messy.  We feel hurt a lot more intensely and it can last a lot longer than our NT counterparts.  It’s like a family member just died – so if we can’t seem to “just get over it” it’s because we really need to work through our grief.  Trusting someone enough to want to be involved with them on a deeper level takes so so much processing power that we often feel mentally drained at the end of the date etc. so imagine the intense feelings we would have after a break up.

We can harbor resentment and anger for a looonnnnggg time and hold a grudge for years.  We don’t deal well with that kind of thing as it is hard for us to understand how someone we trusted so much could hurt us like that.  We can get very depressed and withdrawn.  Sometimes we feel suicidal because we feel so deeply all these hurt ugly feelings that are making us sad beyond what our brains can comprehend.   It could be the worlds best break up ever and we would still feel like it was the worst thing to ever happen to anyone.

So try to understand – we are great partners you just have to be the kind of person that can handle these things and help us learn the give and take of a relationship if that is what it comes to.  We need direct info – we don’t really take hints well so don’t be afraid to just tell us things – no fluff needed as it makes it so much easier for all involved.  It may hurt sometimes but in the end honesty is appreciated and loyalty to.  We can be a lot to handle but we sure as heck are fun!

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One thought on “Relationships and Autism/Aspergers – A whole spectrum of possibilites

  1. Thanks for sharing this very personal insight into your life. It takes guts to be open and public like this. Your thoughts certainly help me understand my Aspie a little more!

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