Ramblings in my head

Tonight was an interesting night…on the one hand I was celebrating my two kiddos awesome achievements and the fact my youngest whom is diabetic helped save her Dad when he was super low – she knew what to do and she is only 3 1/2.  I also was proud of my other kiddo for expressing an apology and expressing some really raw emotion that just felt so good to know that 3 1/2 years ago this would not even have been in our sights.

That leads me to my second thing…watching The Voice tonight and Adam Levine was singing with John Fogerty from CCR and it flooded my brain with memories of a childhood I wish I could give my kids.

I don’t think my folks ever really knew what was up with me in terms of things that I know now to be Aspergers, ADHD and so on…they were no tougher on me than any other kid – sometimes tougher because I was always acting out or struggling with something.  Landed myself in trouble lots of times but man being a kid is like that.

I just remember times of listening to CCR pumping out of my Dad’s Pioneer sound system with these big box kind of speakers, Hamburgers on the BBQ and Kool Aid and lots of beer for the adults.  I remember the laughter, the smiles, the warm Summer sun, lawn darts and the badminton games that turned into what one would think was the Gold Medal game in the Summer Olympics.  I remember the lazy hazy days of Summer at the river – swimming, even going for midnight swims when the Moon was big and bright.

I recall our back deck – picnic table up there with that green prickly outdoor carpet underneath, brown paint and our cream colored house with stucco on it.  A long set of stairs to the bottom where there was a cement pad and it had a door to our carport my Dad had enclosed in.  There were two swings under our deck and a set of rings my Dad had made.  Along one side were tree’s and our sheds (2 of them my Dad made) and along the other were our gardens – Tomato’s, Raspberries, Strawberries etc.  At the back corner was an Apple tree and our section of Alley and then there was our play structure my Dad built.  Man we used to have a blast in that yard.

The whole block would get together a lot of times and we would have such good times.  No one cared about anyone being “weird” we just had fun.  I remember the tunes cranking on weekends as my Dad washed and waxed the vehicle, I can still remember how I would roll my eyes and want to listen to things like New Kids On the Block or Bryan Adams – but my Dad kept saying “one day you will appreciate this music”…well I am here to say – he was right.  As I have gotten older I have taken a big appreciation for Music and it’s roll in my life.  From early memories of my two deck and a record player system to those weekend drives listening to Elvis and CCR to more modern music from Maroon 5 and everything in between (Metallica, Guns N’ Roses, Miles Davis and Louis Armstrong, BB King).

I often try to suppress these feelings as it was hard enough as it is to know how much I wish I could go back to that time and tell myself to appreciate it more but sometimes when I hear a song, or smell something like a campfire or watch a show that reminds me so much of my childhood I like to reminisce.

It will never be like that for my kids – and I wish it could be.  For all the struggles we have as a family it would be nice for them to have that slice of happy.   When Cam was little I was able to do more – but as time has gone on the Fibro is taking over my life and it is getting harder and harder to do things.  I wish I could give them even one big trip somewhere – Hawaii or something – where we could be away from chaos and hype (never ever doing Disney we would all be miserable) and just enjoy connecting as a family.  I know I can never afford to do that on disability and it kills me inside.  Anyone that knows us and has followed our story on our fb page http://www.facebook.com/theroadlesstraveled79 knows how much we struggle as a family with all our health issues and how bad we need a break from the chaos.

But we are not that family…and that is ok.  We don’t get things handed to us – the girls have gotten weighted blankets and so on but I mean so many people just get trips and accommodations and so on handed to them and I am ok with it because I remember some of the best times as a kid were family trips taken with the tent or tent trailer where we got away from it all and enjoyed ourselves.  I remember those kids tapes with all those kids songs – Pop Goes the Weasel and so on.  Indeed some of the best memories are centered around music and the outdoors.

My brain can recall so many things from the past – and other times I cannot even remember what I went into a room for (despite repeat trips to said room for said item lol).  I remember running around the block and riding bikes, making forts along the backroad to the river, I remember climbing trees and all the fun stuff I did as a kid.

We stayed out until the street light came on – and it was always understood that each of us had to go home as soon as it was dark.

My childhood wasn’t filled with therapies and appointments – it was filled with music, good friends, family, hockey, riding my bike and swimming in the river.  I want that for my kids…but instead I am always running to appointments and worry about finding therapy and stressing over Kalea’s seizure or 3 people’s blood sugars or if Kiana will be ready for school next year – the list is long…and it’s tiresome.  I wish I could give them a break from it all…

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