Isomnia my old friend – the Aspie mind never shuts down…

One thing most Aspies know – sleep does NOT come easy…our brains are constantly plugged into the “grid” so to speak.  Add in ADHD and you can well imagine sleep resembles a road riddled with pot holes.  Always something in our brains that jolt us awake.  Sometimes in a panic over something we forgot or think we did – even something as silly as putting a glass away in the sink after we had a drink before bed, or something as big as locking a door etc.  The things that jolt us out of sleep do so with the force of someone shaking us, making it almost impossible to get back to sleep.

What happens after a bad sleep – well morning comes and we are expected to function.  We already struggle with processing things – add in a horrible nights sleep and all the is likely to happen is a day of behaviors stemming from the in ability to really process much of anything that is asked of us or expected of us.

I often feel like I could and should write a novel in my head while I sleep – maybe then my brain would be tired.  If I am upset at someone I honestly go over in my head in my half asleep half awake state and think of all the things I would love to say to that person and all this pent up anger just follows me into my waking hours.  It makes for a crappy next day but it isn’t like I can just switch it off – as I have mentioned before we NEED to work through the feelings in our own way in our own time frame because we process things different than people without Autism.  We have more obsessive compulsive tendencies than the typical non spectrum people.

We obsesses over what people say, do and even our own behaviors and our favorite things.  We cannot just ever let things go so we can rest.  It’s bloody irritating and one of the traits I wish I didn’t have to deal with.

Anyhow it is time for me to try and get some sleep I shall update this a bit more later when my head is less of a fuzzy mess.

Dealing with the co-morbid conditions – Sensory Processing Disorder/ADHD

Since I had no idea growing up what things like ADHD, SPD, ASD, OCD etc were I was mostly labeled as a “problem” child that is “stubborn” and “wont listen or do her work”, “often shuts down and wont cooperate” – I still have ALL my elementary report cards – those terms and phrases crop up more often than not.  It was what it was.

The same thing applied at home when I wouldn’t eat certain foods due to their smell, taste or texture.  It’s not like I enjoyed that or anything – and it’s not like I can change how my brain perceives these things because man did I try.  But often I would be yelled at, forced to eat things I couldn’t handle until I gagged and sometimes threw up because well that is how it was.  I couldn’t tell them how it really was for me – like someone was making me eat sewage because they didn’t understand why and likely I would have offended my Mom’s cooking – even though it wasn’t that.

With the kids now I try to push them to try a bit of something – I give them a tiny bit of it and I get them to try it – sniff it, lick it, chew it a bit whatever…if they still don’t then ok we will revisit it another time.

Sensory issues are tough to tackle sometimes, what sets us off one time may not the next or the one after that – then suddenly it does again.  A lot of people don’t realize why this is.  It’s pretty simple yet complicated, it depends on the time of day for one, the early the day the less likely it is to set us off as much as later in the day.  By later in the day we have had to process so much already, we are exhausted, restless, agitate a bit and things get to us easier and faster when in that state.  It can also happen in the early mornings if we didn’t get a good sleep – just not able to process things well enough and are frustrated by things easily.  Another factor is what else is going on around us – if there is a lot of chaos and commotion it can be hard for us to process what is needed of us at that moment.  Sometimes we need to remove ourselves from the situation in order to decompress and sort through things.

Now add in things like ADD/ADHD and things become exponentially more complicated for the sensory seeker/avoider.  While on one hand we are impulsive with ADHD we may be an avoider when it comes to a lot of sensory things.  We can also be a seeker and add in the impulse control or lack of in a lot of cases and you have an extremely crazy situation.  We tend to be like a bull that see’s something moving – we just charge right ahead and often it becomes a act now think later situation.   Now we may know better than to say jump on furniture or dart into traffic – most kids do Autism or not – what compels them is the impulse to just run – the feeling of adrenaline and the rush that happens – that is what compels them to do this they cannot fight the urge.

I used to think it was that Kiana didn’t understand – and then Kalea – but as soon as Kalea started doing it – even though Kiana had never shown awareness for the danger – she started grabbing onto Kalea and telling her no that’s not safe don’t do that.  All along Kiana had gotten our safety lessons – she just didn’t show us until she had someone else that was littler to help learn these that she let us know she had understood.

Understanding and then reciprocating that is often difficult for us.  Social stories, tv shows, apps etc – sure we can emulate what we see BUT putting it into use or showing someone outside of that controlled environment is a whole new situation.  Now not all of us on the spectrum will get it – there are some that have a functioning level below that and have limited ability to process and understand multi step things.

ADHD makes it hard for us to focus – but that doesn’t mean we don’t hear you.  Our brains are so busy we tend to just process parts of what are said and while that is going on we are processing bits of the rest of things that are going on arund us.  Now for us Aspies that is a task and a half…we struggle with processing things at a rapid speed like others – so often a good portion of things said or what is meant is lost in translation.  What we hear or process can often be way off of what was actually said or meant.

What helps is if we are given ONLY what is exactly needed – not a lot of fluff or fillers, the more you throw at us the less we hear.  It’s not that we are trying to be rude but we can only process so much before we just kind of shut things out so we can figure out what was already said.  Just don’t confuse us with a bunch of things that don’t need to be there – it makes us agitated and frustrated.  It’s not personal it’s just how our brains are wired.

Best advice I got is break things down into chunks and let it rattle around in our brains a bit before adding more or asking us a bunch of questions.  We are thinkers, often deep thinkers, if someone interrupts one of our “moments” where we are deep thinking and processing – it doesn’t go well.  Staring off into space is often us deep thinking/processing what is going on deep inside our brains and not us just staring off into nowhere like we are gapping out – rarely do we “gap out” we deep think and process 🙂  Life as an Aspie with co-morbid conditions can be a challenge but hey that’s life 🙂

Our need to be heard as adults on the spectrum

Rewind about 25 years ago, it was the early 90’s (1991), the words Autism, ADHD, Sensory Processing Disorder etc were never heard.  If you couldn’t keep up with your school work you were “lazy”, if we acted out we were sent to the hall or the Principals office, if we shut down in class because we were overwhelmed with the noise we were said to be insubordinate and had to stay in at recess and lunch to do our work (which wasn’t always so bad). 

I remember it all like it was yesterday – the Aspie mind has a knack for holding on to info and storing it away to be recalled later.  I remember my constant need to arrange the inside of my desk – biggest books on the bottom all the way to the smallest on top – pencil box on one side and so on, pencils lined up on the ledge of the inside of the desk, ruler eraser etc.  If my desk was organized how I needed it I could function better and wouldn’t feel so anxious.

Sometimes by the end of the day my brain would be so fried I would put my head down on my desk and close my eyes and just try to decompress as best I could.  In grade 2 I was held back – the few friends I had made went on to the next grade without me and none of us were ever friends again even though we ended up in split classes throughout Elementary School.  It was hard on me – it was due to my Mathematical skills, my social skills and emotional age that I was held back.  I remember the day – last day of classes and the rest of the kids were gone and my teacher Miss. M calls me to the back to sit beside her desk.  It was sunny the lights were off in the class, the smell of popcorn we had eaten while watching a movie was still in the air.  I remember staring out the window and she talked to me and explained what was going to happen the next year.  I remember crying because it stung.

We didn’t have IEP’s, therapy, and unless you were handicapped mentally you didn’t get an aide either.  I carried that guilt around for a long time, like I was a failure. 

Now fast forward to today, IEP’s, 504 plans, terms like SPD, ADHD, ASD, Aspergers are common place in schools, there are things like early intervention and Autism Societies and even the internet (Facebook etc) where we can reach out and get support.  I had nowhere to turn when I was struggling – I would get so angry because I just didn’t want to be so different from those around me anymore.  I hated life for a long time.

I think it is important for us adults on the spectrum to be heard, to help pave a smoother road for those behind us, to show that there is no magic age that suddenly Autism/Aspergers ceases to be a thing.  It doesn’t just go away suddenly because the government and service providers think we shouldn’t need help anymore.  There are so few programs for those over 18 that the ones that exist can only handle so many people, leaving many many others without vital supports they need to transition to and maintain independence.

We need MORE help not just for the kids but the adults – with the surge in Autism diagnosis’ what happens when they all start to age out of services.  We can attest to how difficult it is without the right supports in place. how few places will hire a person on the spectrum, how hard it is to navigate the busy constantly changing world around us.  We cannot always have our parents there to fall back on, some just wont be able to keep on being the therapists and the parents and the financial and emotional support 24/7.  It is hard enough on a parent now – fighting for services for kids – imagine at 18 when suddenly there really isn’t anywhere to get support. 

For myself I was forced into “assimilation” so to speak – I was reprimanded for being different and I hid so much of it for so long that when my Dr. finally gave me the official dx I felt better but that still doesn’t make up for how hard it was growing up.  I was beat up, hair lit on fire, nose broken, fingers broken – the minute my “weird” showed it was game over.  I actually spent more time with the guys playing Hockey or Soccer it was easier to fit in with them than the girls – they didn’t judge as harshly.  But times are different and I know for myself and Kevin it’s a daily struggle and causes a lot of frustrations. 

We need a voice – we deserve to be heard to because we can attest to the daily struggles and difficulties that go on because there really isn’t anywhere to turn and even Access Mental Health here doesn’t offer much help only if one is feeling suicidal but really one should never have to get to that point just to get support. 

We have had a rougher road in so many ways – we need to help those behind us and have a voice so that those aging out now don’t have to go without decent supports just because they turned a certain age.  Autism doesn’t stop at a certain age why should getting support…

Relationships and Autism/Aspergers – A whole spectrum of possibilites

One thing I have had to tackle in my time is the awkwardness of a relationship.  Being that a lot of us that have Aspergers tend to be way more trusting and naive.  We are so black and white that we often forget that so many people are not and often don’t have the best intentions.  We are often like bulls in a china shop so to speak we are all in so fast because we realize someone is paying attention to us and not mocking us etc like we are used to.

That leads to the other half of the equation when we realize our feelings are growing and we are feeling all these strange feelings we suddenly pull back.  We take longer to sort through the things that are going on with us, and often we will go through periods of where we are going along just fine with things and then something else comes up – another feeling we are unsure of or the dynamic changes again and we tend to pull back.

It can feel like cat and mouse but for us it is how we process things.  With every new feeling or situation we need to step back and process it and get comfortable with things.  Sometimes it can seem like we are not interested but really it’s just us trying to get comfortable with the situation in our own way.  Feelings are big and scary and for us we already struggle with that kind of thing so we definitely need someone that can be patient with us and understand we are complex.

We can often appear to be immature and difficult to connect with – but we kind of have the same problem when it comes to the other person.  It takes someone pretty awesome to be able to handle all our back and forth and indecisiveness – we can be rather hard to rein in at times.

I was in grade 12 when I met my son’s father – things were pretty good – so many feelings to work through and process all the time.  We dated off and on for a few years and it got really messy and complicated when I got pregnant when I was 21.  I had a lot to process when it comes to that let me tell you.

I still struggle with interpersonal relationships, due to the sheer amount of times I have been burned and hurt bad I kind of get a bit standoffish when it comes to people and any kind of friendship etc.  People may see this as being difficult but as anyone that has been hurt so much they would tend to tell you that they would rather be like that than keep being a target.  But if you can earn our trust you will find we are loyal to a fault and although we can be complex we definitely make things interesting.

The important thing to remember is that we process things at a slower rate when it comes to socially what is expected of us and even more so when it comes to romance.  It’s a complicated thing and feelings can cloud judgement – and for an Aspie that is already something we struggle with.  If you got the patience we will be forever thankful that someone was willing to work with us on things and be there for the long haul.

If things go south – well let me tell you it gets all kinds of messy.  We feel hurt a lot more intensely and it can last a lot longer than our NT counterparts.  It’s like a family member just died – so if we can’t seem to “just get over it” it’s because we really need to work through our grief.  Trusting someone enough to want to be involved with them on a deeper level takes so so much processing power that we often feel mentally drained at the end of the date etc. so imagine the intense feelings we would have after a break up.

We can harbor resentment and anger for a looonnnnggg time and hold a grudge for years.  We don’t deal well with that kind of thing as it is hard for us to understand how someone we trusted so much could hurt us like that.  We can get very depressed and withdrawn.  Sometimes we feel suicidal because we feel so deeply all these hurt ugly feelings that are making us sad beyond what our brains can comprehend.   It could be the worlds best break up ever and we would still feel like it was the worst thing to ever happen to anyone.

So try to understand – we are great partners you just have to be the kind of person that can handle these things and help us learn the give and take of a relationship if that is what it comes to.  We need direct info – we don’t really take hints well so don’t be afraid to just tell us things – no fluff needed as it makes it so much easier for all involved.  It may hurt sometimes but in the end honesty is appreciated and loyalty to.  We can be a lot to handle but we sure as heck are fun!

Friendship – what it means to us versus others

When we make a friend – we expect them to be a friend for life.  We don’t really like mind games when it comes to the people we have in our lives.  We get enough of the nonsense from others we don’t especially welcome it into our lives when it comes to meaningful connections.

We want loyalty because we are loyal people, we want someone that accepts us for who we are and how we are – as we would do the same, we want someone that genuinely is interested in learning about Aspergers/Autism so they can better understand what it is that makes us so unique and at the same time complex, we want genuine straight up no nonsense people in our lives.  We don’t expect anything less of our potential friends than anyone else just because we are on the spectrum, if not we kind of have a higher expectation of them because we don’t want to have friends come and go out of our lives constantly we tend to have major anxiety about the very potential of that happening and that’s more than enough.  We tend to also get attached to people/things deeply – sometimes maybe so much so that it completely envelopes us and our lives so they very thought of something going wrong or losing that someone/something really gets us on edge.

Behaviors surface that maybe have been so long gone that it surprises even us and we are the ones doing it.  We may get more moody, edgy, withdrawn, angry and frustrated.  We have a hard time working through the loss of something that we hold so close to us that they become apart of our safe, happy and comfortable world.  If that world gets upturned somehow it’s really hard to get that safe and comfortable feeling back.  We feel scattered and worried that there isn’t a safe place for us to exist in anymore.  Much like a house after a tornado – piece by piece we slowly have to figure out how our lives go back together now that something/someone is missing from them.

It can be really difficult – more so if that person has been apart of our lives for a long period of time.  We opened up to them, told them things that we felt were safe with them and then suddenly they are gone.  Betrayed (even if it wasn’t like that we still feel it), sadness and a deep sense of loss.  How can life be the same without them.

Where as others that are not on the spectrum go through friends like others change their socks.  To them it doesn’t have the same meaning.

I happen to take my friendships seriously – but by doing that I also set myself up for a lot of hurt at times.  I get to emotionally attached and sometimes in the case of it being me friends with a guy – it can be misconstrued into it meaning more.  We are just normally very upfront people so I have had to learn to hold back and test the waters.

I wont lie – I miss the fact I had once upon a time – a great friend in Kyle.  I wish I could get that back but the thing is – he has stopped talking to me twice of his own undoing, and once because he was pissed off at me because he was busy and I got mad about something and then he lost it and we didn’t speak for a year.  But this time I had to push – I kind of knew what would happen – it was like I didn’t want it to but I knew it had to be done.
It’s not the best thing on earth – it escalated quickly but he spends more time thinking about how all this impacted him and he didn’t once ask me what is going on or why I was feeling this way.  A good friend would say something – would say hey what is up what can I do to help you feel better about things – or hey what do I need to do or can I do.  Nope he flipped out at me and so I said that’s it – he’s not really a friend anymore.

Sometimes when we are struggling we just need someone to tell us to stop and breathe and help us get back on track.  He didn’t want to learn about my Aspergers – I will never be able to contact him again I want him to understand in situations where there has been a lot of stress and anxiety I am more prone to lashing out at those closest to me and push them over the edge – but it’s not because I want to it’s because I feel like things are so out of control that I just struggle to get a grip and find my way back on track.

So much I wish I could tell him – but I wont ever get to.  For now I feel the loss…I am working through it but it’s not an easy task right now.  So much happened over the 8yrs – just wish he could have taken a bit of time and looked into things or asked me what that means and how that affects my life.  But that’s the thing I guess a real friend would do that – as soon as I told him that I had never intended there to be more between us things changed… *sigh* friendships and relationships are so complicated…one day I hope he comes around and says something and we can start a new chapter…

One day Kyle Mathers you will get this about me – one day I hope you can accept this about me…until then I will miss our jokes and convo’s…

Hitting the wall – when our emotions fuel our actions

Sometimes those on the spectrum push those they care about the most away from them because they are hurting or extremely stressed and full of anxiety. When others would seek these people out for comfort we tend to do the opposite. We often find it easier to process our emotional baggage so to speak without a lot of “clutter” to deal with.

Other times we NEED to talk about it…over and over until we can come to terms with things. It can drive people around us a bit batty.  We just deal with different situations and the “fall out” differently at different times.  Sometimes we do both – push people away and want to talk to them about what we are feeling – even more so sometimes if that person is directly involved.  We want to get out how it made us feel but the words often don’t come out right or at all.  But for some reason we cannot let it go – we push more to get our point across.  We are impulsive at times and that only adds fuel to the fire.  It’s not that we want to do this – it’s that we are so overwhelmed by the situation and the emotional turmoil coming from it that we just go all in without even a second thought.  We don’t always process the consequences well – we just think about how we feel in that moment and how that situation is bothering us and we don’t rationalize what might happen.  Often we find ourselves even deeper into an ugly mess than we were to begin with and it frustrates us more so then more frustration and anger build up about it.  Seriously sometimes it is like we are puppies chasing our tails around – just creating more problems than there need be but the urge to keep going is so overwhelming we can’t seem to help ourselves – even if we know better – it’s a real nightmare sometimes let me tell you.

We push and push sometimes until we push so hard these people are mad at us for acting in what to them seems like a hostile way. Sometimes people step back and calmer heads prevail and sometimes we push these people too far and there is no going back.

When that line has been crossed and we realize in our own angst we lost what had been a great friendship which are already hard enough to maintain with non spectrum people; it can really send us into what I call the minefield of emotional turmoil.

A smell, a song, a color, a number etc can set us off into a flood of emotion so strong it overwhelms us. Anger over losing a friend, sadness, a short lived happiness of things you remember about the friendship, more sadness at remembering those happy times and then “the wall” happens. When all your pent up emotions about everything that is bothering you hit you like a car slamming into a wall.

Some of us Aspies feel so much and so fast it’s so overwhelming. For us losing a friendship is like a death of a family member or beloved pet or even losing something we held so important in our lives (favorite pencil, book, shirt etc) that we shut down and don’t want to let anyone into our world. For most not on the spectrum they see it as silly and that we need to just get over it but we can’t

We are consumed by the flood of emotions and we need to process those one by one in our own time. We often try to hold it together for so long as to try not to show others what we are going through on the inside that we bust wide open like a dam breaking.

I often envy those that don’t have this trait it’s not fun. If I could remain indifferent to things and not push people away because I don’t know what else to do, I’d be much happier. The ones with this trait are more likely to suffer from depression, PTSD and be extremely anxious people. High functioning or not we got our own crosses to bare and they can be real rough.

Trudging through the minefield that is the Aspie mind

One thing I have learned over the years – the Aspie mind is like a minefield – you just never know what will set the brain into motion and cause hours if not days maybe weeks of worrying/stressing/feeling angry/hurt/frustrated.  It could be something as simple as how someone looked at us or maybe it wasn’t even us but we thought it was.  As you get older the things that can set this sort of thing in motion are a lot more entailed.

Often times we tend to push things to far and people to, we have a hard time stepping back and seeing the bigger picture and we don’t realize just how big of an impact our actions can have.  Not all impacts are good let me tell you sometimes they can really come back to bite you in the butt and not in a nice way not that getting bit in the butt is nice.  Sometimes we push and push until we push the very things/people we wanted to keep around away.

It’s not really cat and mouse it’s just we don’t know how to figure out the words to tell someone that you still want them around but right now it’s best if they are not because you are going through stuff and before you say something that you can’t take back it’s best that it’s left for now.  Instead fueled by anger, hurt and frustration because we have a hard time processing the emotions fast enough we just let it ALL out – the good, the bad and the down right ugly.  Filter goes out the window and often with it any shred of keeping things together.

When all is said and done and we step back and have time to process what happened – we often feel remorse, we feel hurt because we hurt someone else and sadness because we can’t fix it.  It’s hard to know what to do sometimes, we struggle to do what is expected but because we push ourselves so much to do what others want out of us we often snap, and when we snap we go all out.  Some meltdown, some withdraw, some regress.

All you can do is be there, be supportive and be understanding or try to be.  Don’t push us, try to understand that we are not like others that are not on the spectrum – we handle life and it’s situations differently and even as an adult we still struggle with these things.  There is no magic age that suddenly all these things are no longer a problem it will always be a problem it just varies on how big of one.

Don’t shame us, just step back and give us some space to deal with our feelings – let our brains process what is going on and how we feel about it.  Check in on us – make sure we are ok if we are doing better with things – then discuss it with us – help us see what was going on – make sure we at least understand how it made you feel when we were like that but try to be kind about it – we can be really sensitive to things and likely would just feel worse about what happened.  Sometimes the best thing to do is find someone that gets it and that will be that ear that you need to talk to so you can work through the emotions and not feel like no one gets it.

Our minds are like minefields and there is no filter…it’s “balls to the wall” kind of thing.  We are full on all the time – our minds don’t take a brake and sometimes it’s overwhelming to us so we need time to decompress and process things.  When we are ready we will come to everyone and maybe want to talk about it maybe not…sometimes we are just done with things – most times – we don’t want to keep going over it we already beat ourselves up enough over it we don’t need to rehash it again.  We try so hard sometimes to do what everyone wants – but it’s so tiring trying to pretend all the time so try and be understanding to some degree or another.

Letting go of things in life as an Aspie

As any Aspie knows – letting go of things is about as easy for us as it is trying to get that one mosquito that is buzzing around you in the dark when you are trying to get to sleep…you’d have a better chance of winning the lottery at times.  Now this is not to say we enjoy carrying all that emotional baggage around with us, hell I know I don’t.

It’s like this urge that compels us to hang onto emotional baggage, even physical things and people that are not good for where we are heading in life.  We cannot seem to help it.

Our whole lives we strive to do better, be better.  We make small steps as we grow and then suddenly there comes a situation where we need to make a tough call.  We are stressing over it non stop, we mull over and over in our heads all the scenarios that could come about,  We muddle through all the pro’s and con’s of all our options, we gather as much data on the situation as we can and we enlist our friends to help us be the judge and jury so we can make a decision.  Then we go and write down more things and blog about it maybe FB about it…then finally we reach our wits end with trying to make the “right” decision that we often throw our hands up in the air and say fark it for now.

Indeed these decisions are never easy nor do they come to one just like that.  We can spend hours, weeks, days, months or even years circling back to one thing or another like this – trying to figure out if we made the right decision.  We drive the people around us crazy, we drive ourselves crazy and it can often consume us and our conversations.

It’s hard for those that are not on the spectrum to understand our fixations, to them it’s silly just “let it go and move on” or “stop being ridiculous.”  Man I assure you if it was that easy i’d be been down for that.  You have no idea how often I wish I could do that like other people – just switch things off and be done with it all.

When it comes to matters of the heart like good friends – those ones really suck.  We have a hard time making connections that are meaningful to most people so when we do make that connection and it blossoms into an amazing friendship for years on end – we count ourselves extremely lucky.  Someone that accepts us for our quarks and is willing to live in our world and accept that we sometimes need things others don’t and we are not super good with the whole friendship thing.  I mean finding that is fantastic…but when the unthinkable happens and suddenly that once wicked friendship is no longer working and functioning it’s time to do that unimaginable thing and figure out what we should do.

For most people they would say cut your losses and move on – but as an Aspie we are much more complex than that.  We cannot just “move on” it takes so long to work through all the emotions, we can often seem to switch moods at the drop of a hat as we work through the grief of what is lost, the sadness over remembering all the awesome things that were said or done, tears of sadness because sometimes us Aspies we feel WAAAAYYY more than the average person…it’s like colliding with a brick wall at 100mph figuratively speaking as it doesn’t exactly kill us.  It’s so intense and so overwhelming it is so hard to work through it all.  One minute we can be happy at remembering the good times about a friendship gone and the next we can be crying because it hurts so much to let things go.and the next minute raging because we are so hurt by the situation even it was our choice to end a friendship or relationship that we just cannot process it all so we just flip out so to speak.  It’s a huge emotional roller coaster ride and it’s not the fun kind.

For me I am like this – it’s worse when I am stressed out or anxious about something in my life.  Instead of dealing with that I tend to just lash out at the people close to me to try and avoid dealing with the real issue.  If someone happens to say the wrong things or assume something that isn’t about a situation – oh man they better watch out…when I am already on edge and feeling scared/stressed/anxious I don’t need someone to push that further be it intentional or not.

Case in point Kyle – wicked friend I have said this over and over for a long long time…we had our moments that more feelings crept into the friendship but I had no intention of it being more than a friendship.  I guess that message was not really conveyed well and the other night he says hey I wanted to be honest and up front with you I have a GF now – I was like uhh ok and soooo – well that is what I was thinking what I said was “it’s all good when I said I liked you as more than just a friend I meant like an uber friend that I can count on and that I could trust with my life”  and something to the tune of “I didn’t mean romantically” and kind of went off on him a bit…but seriously that shit bugs me…just because someone cares for you more than a friend doesn’t mean they want a whole relationship and marriage and kids – it means they care deeply for you and they love that you are apart of their life and couldn’t imagine it without you.  There is a friend, a best friend and a friend that is like a sister/brother and then there is that friendship that is so dynamic and awesome that there just isn’t a category it falls in as it spans all of them and more.

I got upset – not at the GF part hell I wish him nothing but the best and happiness he deserves it…but the assumption that I thought there was going to be an us…ugh please no offense but that man could NOT handle my life – and the chaos of two kids on the spectrum as well as myself and the ADHD, the therapy, the appointments, the sheer chaos.  He is used to the single life for the most part and he doesn’t get to see his Daughter as much as he did 5yrs ago before she started school.  We would have that man running for the exit in no time – we are a busy bunch and that he doesn’t get.  He gets to spend his time working mad hours and I get to spend mine working on speech with my girls, finding supports, figuring out what to do at the end of next year for Kiana – mainstream, private or home school, I get to keep on top of Kalea’s blood sugars, count carbs, clean my house, book appointments, assessments, and everything else that needs doing.

I didn’t want to end the friendship but it’s better to do it than end up on the back burner and only hear from him once every month or few weeks if I am lucky or when he is having a tough day and doesn’t want to bother his GF with it so he will call or text me.  Last time he had a GF he talked me and told me and then I didn’t hear from him for months and months then things didn’t pan out and I heard from him more, then he dropped off planet earth for a good year at another point, then another time he was mia for a year I sent him a Merry Christmas message and he got sick and almost died (I didn’t know) and then in September he waltz’s back into my life again and I took the bait.  I should have done what my first instinct was – not reply.  Not to be rude but it really hurt me when he did that…I was always there and where is he now when I need a friend – well he is working a lot and he has a GF now soo I don’t matter much.

I am more or less mad at him for a few things.  If I had not moved and he didn’t recognize the number we never would have started talking again 3yrs ago.  Seriously sometimes I wonder why I do this to myself…

It was hard last night – sending that text…telling him that this whole thing wasn’t worth it…I don’t want to be someone’s rainy day friend I just want to know I matter and that they have time for me to and not every few weeks or months or years or when things are not going well.  I also was told he was sending the kids some money as a Christmas Gift – that was before Christmas – it’s now almost late January and nothing.  So in the end I am just throwing my hands up in the air and saying whatever…if it is causing you more pain than it is anything else it’s not worth the hurt.

It isn’t easy to walk away from an 8+ year friendship…but sometimes you have to be willing to take that leap of faith and hope that it was the right decision.  As an Aspie I second guess if not triple guess EVERY single thing I say or do over and over…it’s frustrating and causes me much anxiety and stress.  Just because I am adult with Aspergers doesn’t mean that I don’t have my share of struggles you don’t outgrow this it just isn’t like that.

Life has a funny way of hammering home things

As an Aspie I get so much anxiety and stress over things.  It’s like my brain will fixate on things until I either drive myself or those around me mad 🙂  It is what it is I surely didn’t choose it – it kind of chose me.  I work hard to try and not let things get to me to much but honestly it isn’t quite that simple there is no off switch or an alternative.

So much goes on in this Aspie head of mine, having my official list of diagnosis’ really was nice to get but on the flip side it really made it all the more real.  The co-morbid issues like ADHD, Anxiety, Panic Disorder, the health issues like poor immune system, the high acid levels, the constant issue of not being able to let go of things that are bothering me, the lack of filter at times seems to shock some and offend others.  It’s quite the trip some days.

But when I started having issues with my head I dismissed it.  But it got worse, stroke like symptoms, dizzy, black outs, horrible headaches, a lot of pressure in my head and a tiredness that is getting worse despite my better eating habits along with vitamins and iron.  So I finally gave in and went to the Dr.

I didn’t pass the neurological exam at all – epic fail.  So he scraps the CT for an MRI.  He writes down – check of a tumor, check intracrainial pressure, check for any abnormalities” whoa – what – wait – TUMOR?  You have got to be kidding me – where did that come from.  Once you read that the rest of what he is saying just kind of gets muffled in the background – the word sits there on the screen like a big ole red beacon and that is what my Aspie brain focuses on – and wont let go of.  I am as of right now in limbo.  Pending labs and an EEG – we get the MRI done after that and then we put all the info we get together and go from there.

In this family we don’t do normal, we do chaos.

I did talk to my friend Kyle – one of the few people in my life that get this.  Last year he got so sick he almost died.  I didn’t even know it,  Thankfully he pulled through but it still makes you sit and think long and hard about your life.

I have known Kyle for close to 10yrs almost…and him and I – we have seen our share of some serious ups and downs as friends.  Gone periods of time without talking the whole works.  But when we do talk again its like time has stood still…we pick up where we left off and get caught up on things.  Friends like that are like those priceless heirlooms – you treasure them.  They are the ones that can tell you to get your head out of your ass and you don’t get offended you reply with some off the cuff comment and you both have a laugh.

Indeed tonight I have spent the better part of it listening to music.  Art Of Dying – Volbeat – Rains – Nickelback and Maroon 5.  Music is the one thing that no matter what you can find a song or many songs for the mood you are in and with each song that changes that is the cool thing about music!

My kiddos – well the girls are in bed and Cam is on Steam (on his computer) talking to some friends and playing some games with them.  All in all it’s a quiet night so far (so far man it’s 11pm ha).  My mind wont shut off so I guess for now it’s me, Guys Grocery Game and some tunes.

Get Thru This (Art Of Dying)

I’ve seen better days yeah
So says the mirror
It’s hard to find divinity when you’re the king of men
If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I can get through anything

If I can get through this
I can get through anything
If I can make it through this
I promise you, I promise you

It could be much worse
But the call is close
Tomorrow’s my reason for today to let go

“Best I Can”

Tonight I feel like the world won’t miss me
So much to say but there’s no one listening
If we’re alone are we all together in that

I threw a penny in a well for wishing
and prayed for all the things I think I’m missing
A little time is all I really need

I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can
The best I can

A second chance to give you something
It takes a lifetime to come from nothing
I refuse to believe in running away

I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you
I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know I think you’re worth it
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can
The best I can

I got a picture of what matters and I keep it close to my heart
It’s a little faded but so am I

Cause I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know nobody’s perfect
Do you understand how hard I’m trying for you
I am doing the best I can with everything I am
Don’t you know I think you’re worth it
Do you understand how hard I’m trying to do the best I can

We need acceptance not just awareness….

I write this because it has been bothering me that people keep focusing on raising awareness for Autism.  Now although I don’t think the latest numbers are near accurate (survey 11 states and a few counties in them and call it done doesn’t sit well with me and I not even American) I gotta say if people are really going to be sticking their heads in the sand so much they shouldn’t be speaking to the masses.  Autism rates they claim are 1-68 – do you not think that people are more than aware Autism exists I mean one would have to live under a rock to not hear about it or see it around them.  But the biggest problem is acceptance of all those on the spectrum.

I have never been a “with the grain” kind of person it’s just who I am.  If there is something I feel strongly about I will stand up for it and speak out until I am heard..  I strongly believe that all these people saying “light it up Blue for Autism awareness” or “color the world for Autism awareness” etc are seriously off their mark.  Good or bad Autism Speaks has put Autism out there, celebs have done the same, as have the numbers and the news and all of us.  We need to shift to being out there away from the screen and raising acceptance so our kids can stop being tormented, so they can grow up being accepted and respected.  It’s really time to get people’s heads out of the sand and realize that it’s just time for all of us on the spectrum to be accepted.

As an adult I see how little other adults accept my own diagnosis never mind my kiddos.  They think it is like the plague or something and really at times I get treated pretty bad, even by other parents that have kids on the spectrum (boy are they going to be in for a rude awakening when their kid grows up if we don’t get more acceptance going).

Sure people mean well when they post all the acceptance things – but for one it’s FB there is A LOT of awareness and we are all sharing these awareness things on our pages – Autism pages – most of the people that like our pages are other Autism parents and people that are touched by Autism somehow – now not all of them are but most.  What we need to be doing is talking to our neighbors, community leaders, getting out there in the community and spreading acceptance and awareness.  Sitting behind our screens is all good and fine BUT if you TRULY want to make an impact go out there find others in your community and go for it – spread the acceptance and awareness.  Hand out information at a booth at local baseball/soccer game, wear a shirt that you make at home saying Ask Me About Autism! or do anything that people will notice around you.  Your kids live in the community so why not educate people and get some acceptance – might even meet some others that are also apart of the Autism team somehow and they might be happy to join you in spreading more acceptance around.  Even go to your kids school/class and educate them on what Autism is – find some age appropriate material and share it with other kids.  It starts with you…you are the only one that can start to make the change you want to see in the world and these are the first steps.Image